


Note to Self

by calliopemoonbeam



Category: Outlander, Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: C POV, Character Thoughts, Inside Characters Brains, J POV, Jaime and Claire, Jaime x Claire, Outlander - Freeform, Two Shot, emotional process, outlander fanfic, outlander fanfiction, outlander fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 07:41:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16868890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calliopemoonbeam/pseuds/calliopemoonbeam
Summary: A/N - This leaked out of my brain, mostly stream of consciousness. Felt like it wanted to be in the world. Chapter 2 is Jaime POV. Struggled with naming this but the idea is it is a conversation with themselves, in their heads, a dip into their consciousness and experience.





	1. Note To Self - I Never - Claire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N - This leaked out of my brain, mostly stream of consciousness. Felt like it wanted to be in the world. There will be a J POV second part I think. Struggled with naming this but the idea is it is a conversation with herself in her head, a dip into her consciousness and experience.

** Note To Self - I Never - Claire  **

 

I had never wanted anything…not really. A child of loss and loneliness, I learned to be satisfied with what I had in front of me. I became content with less. I was so mired in the trauma of my childhood I didn’t realize how deeply these wounds of worth snaked through my body, my experiences, my life. I was too afraid to want.

 

I spent years cut off from rich life experiences like joy, fun, affection and play. I saw others dance in them, but I could never get there…not really. Maybe a few times fueled by a bottle of wine or a few too many shots, I dipped a toe in, but when I woke in the morning I felt silly. Unguarded was not accessible to me, save through an altering substance. I never got comfortable in my skin, an ever present part of me always trying to crawl out of it and try on something else.

 

If I could just get this restless, traumatized part of me to settle, I could be happy, I thought. If I could just work hard enough, I could be enough. If I just busied myself enough with no down time, I could suppress the pain. If I could just become accomplished enough, and enough and enough and enough, I would be enough.

 

I never wanted anything because at a subconscious core level I didn’t believe I deserved anything. The internalized wound was so deep and interwoven, even my therapist couldn’t unravel it. Years of traveling an unconventional path, leading to roadblock after roadblock, I found myself on Ben Klibreck, screaming at the top of my lungs, trying to release the pain inside of me. The pain of loss, the pain of trauma, the pain of not enough, the pain of lack of support, the pain of the surface relationships, the pain of not belonging, the pain of being human . With no one for miles, nature supporting me, I let everything out. Every fear, every disappointment, love, loss, failure, triumph, emotion that was available to me and collapsed in a heap at the summit. I wept and wept until my tear ducts went dry. I cried for the parents I barely knew, I cried for the siblings I would never have, I cried for the connections I hadn’t made in my life, I cried for not being enough for myself, I cried for my soul and I cried to clear the slate.

 

I never wanted anything until I saw him. I never knew I could want something until I saw him. I never knew I didn’t want anything until I saw him.

 

His red curls were a revelation. I wanted them wrapped around my fingers. His shoulders, broad and muscled, slanted downwards connecting with his equally impressive back. I wanted to rest my head on his spine and kiss his brain-stem. His worn blue plaid button down rested across his chest like he had been born wearing it. I wanted to drape myself in it. His towering height, made me feel small. I wanted to climb him. His eyes, a deep sky blue, impaled me. I wanted to look into them for the rest of my life. His voice, low, sometimes rough and raspy, vibrated through me. I wanted to listen to whispered Gaelic in my ear for lifetimes.

 

I never knew I was lacking connection until I saw him.

 

I never desire until I saw him.

 

I never knew how damaged I truly was until he tried to save me from myself as I pushed away the only thing I had ever wanted.

 

I never knew what support was until he brushed away the tears and told me I was enough. I would always be enough. No matter the state of me, I would always be enough for him. I would always be everything for him.

 

I never knew love until he showed me he saw me…really saw me.

 

I never knew laughter until I lay in bed with him, giggling uncontrollably and falling off the bed, listening to his own roars of joyous laughter.

 

I never knew I could love at all, until I saw him, James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser. 

 

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Thanks for reading all of my dribble drabbles.


	2. Note To Self - I Always - Jaime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N - This is Part 2 of this little two shot short.

** Note to Self - I Always - Jaime  **

 

I always knew I had lived a life different from other men. I never chased women. I never believed in fooling around. I always believed what my Da had told me, I’ll ken the woman for me when I see her. I kept a keen eye out to be sure but I always knew I would know like he said. And I did.

 

I always knew I was born to take her fears away, make her forget her sorrows, make her forget her heart had ever been broken. I always knew we would uncover the darkest and lightest sides of ourselves in each other’s embrace. I always knew we would fit. I always knew she was my missing piece. I had always been strong and confident but inside me lurked the notion that something was missing, always like a little space existed, that needed to be filled. I didn’t know exactly what was missing until she stepped in beside me at the pub looking like she had just come off the mountain. Looking like she belonged by my side.

 

I always hiked Ben Klibreck on the same day each year, to honor my parents. It was a personal exploration, almost a communion with them, connecting with them through nature in a way that I no longer could in my daily life. I always had a transformative experience.

 

I had always imagined her, faceless, simple form, never knowing the details of her features, only her energy and presence. I always thought she was drawing me to her even though we didn’t know each other. I always had faith that when the time was right I would recognize her. I was always prepared to meet her.

 

Calling for a whisky, she glanced at me, an indecipherable look. I was always composed, except right then, I wasn’t. I always knew I was emotional, but her glance unlocked a childish grin that wandered across my whole face and brought a watery glaze over my eyes. I was always outgoing, until my words left me at the sight of her.

 

Her bonnie curly wig flowed over a hastily arranged sweat drenched purple headband. I wanted to take it off of her as I kissed the top of her head. Her muddy hiking boots covered her porcelain ankles. I wanted to press my thumbs into the sides of her ankle and draw them down to massage all the points of her feet. Her shoulder seemed the perfect height to tuck under my arm. I wanted her to make a home there. Her plush, wide lips, gyrated with every word she said. I wanted to suck her bottom lip into my mouth. Her dainty earlobe, called to me like a strobe-light of future pleasure. I wanted to nibble it. Her deeper than expected voice ran through my eardrums like honey. I wanted to hear our children’s names in her voice. Her dark, whisky eyes, sad around the edges, hard around the sad, softened when they met mine. I wanted to wake up to those eyes forever, casting out and breaking down the sadness and hard barriers with my love, always.

 

I always knew instant connection was possible.

 

I always thought something was missing.

 

I always thought there was a reason I couldn’t stay interested in the lasses.

 

I always thought a pair was better than one.

 

I always knew we would make each other better.

 

I always knew I would support her with every fiber of my being. I always tried to see her, really see her, as I knew she did me. Union at the deepest level.

 

I always knew I could find her. I always knew we would belly laugh in the strangest moments. I always thought we could exude joy when joined. I always thought my heart would explode when I was with her.

 

I always knew she would come. I always had faith.

 

I would always love her. I always had. 

 

But I never knew how much until I saw she was real, until I saw her next to me. Until I saw Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp.

 

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Thanks for reading!


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